Fantastical Poems of Glory
by Slytherins Kick ASS
Summary: Goodbye plots, hello poems! A treatsie nibblet for all parody poetry fans out there. Now up- bestiality.
1. Harry Potter, Age 11, My Life

**Hello again, my faithful readers. It has been far too long since I've seen your lovely little faces smiling up at me. I know you're curious about my other fics, but in the process of completing those, I was struck by an inspiration. A beautiful, wondrous idea came to me on the wings of a golden dove. I unfurled the scroll of knowledge, and there- in beautiful calligraphy I have yet to see paralleled on this earth- laid the words which would change my life forever.**

_SKA,_

_You will write some poetry._

_Your Muse_

"**Brilliance!" I shouted. "Sheer genius!" And down I sat, with my snazzy three-dollar pencil and my secret notebook full of unfinished fics, and I wrote. I wrote like no tomorrow. I stocked up on my materials, so I could post on time for at **_**least**_** three installments. Which is a pretty big deal, for me.**

**Truth be told, however, I was actually inspired by boyamiconfuzed's "The Fun with Harry and Ron Reader," from which I built what will be the foundation of this series. The "my life" poems. You'll understand soon enough, dear reader.**

**If any of the following makes you smile in the least- even if it's one of those involuntary lip twinges that lasts for a second and a half- go read boyamiconfuzed's fic. These are paltry morsels compared to their bountiful feast of joy. Go, my child, and be entertained.**

**All of the characters mentioned herein are the property of J.K. Rowling, and I am not making any profit from the following work.**

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

_Oh My God, My Life Is So Hard_

By Harry Potter, age 11

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

My parents are dead.

Waaah.

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

The Dursleys don't love me.

I'm so lonely.

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

I'm a wizard.

Weird.

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

Hagrid has a dragon.

He's not very smart.

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

Malfoy is really mean.

I'm angry.

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

Snape's up to something.

He smells bad.

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

Quirrell stutters.

What a pussy.

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

I'm so rich and famous.

Don't look at me!

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

There's a giant dog!

We're screwed.

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

This mirror just gave me a rock.

Um, thanks?

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

Quirrell's acting super creepy.

Get away from me.

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

Voldemort!

Oh shit.

-

Oh my god, my life is so hard.

I ate too much at the victory celebration.

My tummy hurts.

-

Boohoo.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ 

**Yes, yes, I know, I know- it was sheer brilliance. I will be taking requests for any character from any time- that is, anyone from Tom Riddle in second year to the Giant Squid on his first day in the Black Lake. Not all of them will be from the "my life" series- I have a haiku by the Whomping Willow and a limerick about Harry's talking third nipple (I'll tell the story when I post the poem)- but if I have enough information, I'll probably be able to do one of those for you if you ask me nicely. And if you review.**

**Reviews are good,**

**Reviews are great.**

**But flames are bad,**

**So don't leave one.**

**Man, am I good at rhyming!**


	2. Desire

_Desire_

A haiku by the Whomping Willow

-

Limbs quiver softly

Want you to climb inside me

You sexy werewolf


	3. The Cat's Demise

**You're going to hate me for this.**

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

_The Cat's Demise_

By Ron Weasley

-

Meow!

Squeak!

Pitter-patter

Honk!

Screech!

Splat!

"No! Crookshanks!"

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

**If you thought that was just wonderfully cruel, review. If not, review anyways.**


	4. A Brilliant Idea

_A Brilliant Idea_

By Draco L. Malfoy, Heir to the Malfoy Fortune

-

I know!

I'll have Crabbe and Goyle do my homework!

"D"

Maybe not, then.


	5. Draco Malfoy, Age 11, My Life

My Life Is So Awesome

_My Life Is So Awesome_

By Draco L. Malfoy, Heir to the Malfoy Fortune, age 11

-

My life is so awesome.

I'm rich.

Cha-ching!

-

My life is so awesome.

My house is unbeatable!

Hissss!

-

My life is so awesome.

My mummy sends me candies.

Yum yum!

-

My life is so awesome.

I just made Harry Potter cry.

Sniff.

-

My life is so awesome.

Crabbe and Goyle make me even more gorgeous.

Hey, sexy.

-

My life is so awesome.

My eagle owl just took out a cat.

Meow!

-

My life is so awesome.

I just kicked the Weasel's rat.

Squeak!

-

My life is so awesome.

Slytherin just won the House Cup!

Oh, wait…


	6. Envy

**Sorry I took so long to update. I was busy writing a zombie story for FictionPress... But I think this might be my favorite poem yet.**

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Envy_

By the Dark Lord Voldemort

-

Shimmering, so soft

Lucius Malfoy, you be warned.

Your hair will be mine.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

**Nothing tells the truth like a heartfelt haiku.**

**Except perhaps a review.**


	7. Forbidden Flight

Long time no update

**Long time no update! But before you attack me, just read this next poem.**

-

-

_Forbidden Flight_

By B. H.

-

We meet in the day,

He sneers and smirks,

And turns his pale eyes away.

He pretends not to see

The longing in my gaze.

But it is all a game.

For,

At night,

He whispers lovingly into my ear

He trails his hands up my legs

And along my spine.

I quiver with anticipation.

He leads me into the paddock

And rides me until dawn comes loud and wet.

-

**I know, it's a little dirty, but you love it all the more for that.**

**You know what's even dirtier and sexier than bestiality?**

**That smooth little lavender button on the bottom left hand of you screen. All… square and… supple? Yeah.**

**Go on.**

**Press it.**

**Just like that, **_**yes**_**!**

**You **_**fiend**_**!**


	8. Josiah Has Arrived!

**This one requires a bit of a back story.**

**-**

**You see, I'm having a prompt war with the oh-so-fabulously-talented Naesy, and she was explaining to me certain prompts that should not be used. I believe she mentioned something about Draco being a rat and Harry being a mime, but those are beside the point.**

**-**

**The point is, she mentioned a certain non-prompt that I simply could not ignore.**

**-**

**And Josiah was born.**

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Harry's Talking Third Nipple_

By Ginny Weasley

-

They say his name was Josiah.

I hear he was hot as fi-yah!

He was a secret;

He made Harry fret,

For Draco called him a liar!

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

**Perhaps if you review, I can send you a picture of Josiah. He really is hot as fi-yah. Believe me.**


End file.
